The Mr. USA Pageant

Tomorrow is November 3, 2020, the official competition day many of us have been anticipating, an opportunity that comes only every four years, the chance to cast a vote in the Mr. USA pageant!

Similar to Miss USA, contestants who have been pre-selected on the basis of appearance and (officially) their responses to hypothetical questions, stand on a televised stage and court their reflection in the camera.

There are several differences between the Miss USA and Mr. USA contests. One is the swimsuit competition. The organizers and sponsors of the Mr. USA pageant admit that the swimming was a ruse. Since they lack significant cleavage, contestants are advised to keep their hairy chests covered. I think that’s a wise choice.

Therefore the suit competition is judged by the color of the contestant’s tie. It is essentially a question of which primary color you prefer. Hint: yellow is for third party contestants and cowards, and is not an option.

The evening gown competition has been prohibited based on hideousness. It has been substituted with another suit contest, this one assessing recent lawsuits against each contestant.

Unlike the 51 contestants in the Miss USA pageant, Mr. USA has only two. Like male hamsters, they cannot cohabitate en masse or they will eat each other.

Representing Delaware, we have Mr. Joseph Robinette Biden, who studied at Syracuse University. He is the founder and benefactor of the Biden Foundation, a nonspecific charity that does generally good things for good people, and in January 2017 he was awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom by the reigning Mr. USA titleholder.

The second contestant currently wears the Mr. USA sash, which he procured in a controversial foreclosure from Mrs. New York when she attempted to add an S to the Mr. USA sash with a Sharpie.

She had stolen the Sharpie from Mr. Vermont, who was attempting to change the rules of the contest with it. The judges confiscated the Sharpie because it was releasing free radicals.

Contestant number two does not represent any state, except perhaps a state of confusion. Sociologist Max Weber defined a state as “an entity that retains a monopoly on the legitimate use of violence,” therefore, in this case, the contestant qualifies as his own state. He will be referred to as “Mr. Trump.”

In advance of the actual competition, I had the rare opportunity to speak with the Mr. USA candidates via hologram. Here is a transcript of our interviews.

Moderator: Candidates, thank you for speaking with me this Saturday Samhain Halloween night of the full blue moon when the Sun is squaring Scorpio. Will you be trick or treating this evening, considering there is a contagious global pandemic and three inches of snow in the neighborhoods with the best candy?

Mr. Delaware: You know, some say I’m too old for trick or treating. I don’t agree. My geriatrician says I’m in my prime. But I wouldn’t want to put the American people at risk by knocking on their doors. You can just imagine, they’re sitting at the dinner table, with one extra seat, because that friend who always comes over for Halloween dinner hasn’t left the house in eight months.

That American family hears the knock at the door, and they have to decide, am I going to risk my life answering the door to a stranger, or will I let them t.p. my bushes? I don’t want to put any American citizen in the position of having to weigh those risks. Toilet paper is a precious commodity, and we shouldn’t be wasting it on someone’s bush.

So I plan to sit at home with my wife of 43 years, Jill Biden, whose name, if you say it fast, sounds like my name if you say it fast. I like how our names do that, like we’re a match made in an auction. Anyway, I’ll be sitting at home in my Top Gun costume watching Jim Carrey do his hilarious impression of Lee Marvin on SNL.

Moderator: What about you, Mr. Trump?

Mr. Trump: Where I come from, every night is Halloween. If I don’t get treats, you get tricks. Unless I’m the trick, then I also get treats. Either way, the treats are all mine. And all you people in masks, you don’t scare me.

Moderator: Candidates for Miss USA often cite “world peace” as their greatest wish. What is your greatest wish?

Mr. Trump: I don’t make wishes. Wishes are for losers and thugs. I make deals.

Mr. Biden: I wish that we could all live together in harmony. Why can’t we all just get along? Why all the arguing about exploitation and injustice and unfair tax laws and racist policies and environmental destruction? Let’s get over our differences and smile at one another, earnestly.

Moderator: What are your hopes for the United States in the next four years?

Mr. Delaware: A return to normalized oppression and stratified economic slavery, with lots of genuine smiles.

Mr. Trump: Total, absolute chaos. You can’t have an eye at the center of the hurricane if you don’t have a hurricane. And that’s not climate change, that’s what we call “not panicking.”

Moderator: From your perspective, if the United States were a movie, what would it be?

Mr. Delaware: A Damsel in Distress. I’m a sucker for a good love story.

Mr. Trump: Rambo: Last Blood. An old man battles the Mexicans.

Moderator: I understand this is a stressful week for a lot of people. Could you each recite a nursery rhyme to lighten things up? Mr. Trump, let’s start with you.

Mr. Trump:

Little Bo Peep

said I was a creep

and filed a lawsuit against me.

Litigation was steep

I scapegoated the Veep

And ordered an alibi on Etsy.

Moderator: Mr. Delaware?

Mr. Delaware:

Trumpty Dumpty put up a wall.

Trumpty Dumpty had a “great” fall.

All the Republicans and all of his friends

Couldn’t get Trumpty Dumpty elected again.

Moderator: Thank you, Mr. Delaware and Mr. Trumpty — Mr. Trump. Millions of people have already cast their spells — and ballots — in this contest, and I look forward to forfeiting my sovereignty to the winner!

Wait, that doesn’t happen in the Miss USA pageant, does it? Why — what — will someone please explain that to me?!?

Where’s that Sharpie? I need some free radicals.